


aftershocks

by siliquastrum



Category: Naruto
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hatake Kakashi is Bad at Feelings, M/M, No editing we die like mne, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-War, do not copy to another site, get these ninjas some ninja therapy, some implied sakuino
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24008260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siliquastrum/pseuds/siliquastrum
Summary: When his nightmares wake him up, heart racing, thoughts screaming with panic and fear, he sees Gai, asleep on his cot. Maybe all the other terrors of his dream may be true, but Gai is here, chest rising and falling steadily, and that’s important. He chooses to make it important: for all his failings, all his fallen friends, he has Gai.---Kakashi realises things at the worst times.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy
Comments: 25
Kudos: 143





	aftershocks

Despite Kakashi’s life-long aversion towards hospitals, he has spent the past few nights here. He tried going home to fall asleep in his own bed and was haunted by nightmares. Not even the presence of the pack was comfort. Every time his head hit the pillow memories flashed through his mind. The sharingan’s curse: his memories are picture perfect. Even though his eyes are no longer mismatched he can see Gai burned and dead every time his eyelids shut, with every heartbeat. After one particularly realistic dream, Kakashi snuck into the hospital to check on him, and ended up falling asleep there. He’s stayed ever since. 

When his nightmares wake him up, heart racing, thoughts screaming with panic and fear, he sees Gai, asleep on his cot. Maybe all the other terrors of his dream may be true, but Gai is here, chest rising and falling steadily, and that’s important. He chooses to make it important: for all his failings, all his fallen friends, he has Gai. 

He’s woken up by the sun through the window and Sakura’s death glare. 

“I don’t remember checking you in as a patient, Sensei” 

“You didn’t see me here.” 

“Uh-huh. And Naruto hates ramen,” she retorts, going through her morning checklist, “If you’re having trouble with sleep you should see Ino.” 

“And hear the usual ‘do yoga, take better care of yourself, smell lavender’? I’m fine without it.” 

“I’m serious. You’d be surprised how many of us need help, after what we saw...” 

“I’ll survive.”

“ _Kakashi,_ “ the shift in Sakura’s tone is a warning and he knows it, “go to Ino. Or I will send her to you.”

“Maa, threatening your Hokage. What happened to my adorable student?” 

“You’re not Hokage yet,” Sakura throws him another deadly smile and leaves the room.

Kakashi sneaks out the window, throwing one last glance at the still-sleeping Gai before he jumps down to ground level. 

He has time to kill before meeting with Tsunade so he summons Akino. While the pack are primarily hunting dogs they secretly love being treated as regular lap dogs. Kakashi can tell that Akino’s trying to maintain his pride as he scratches behind the blind shiba’s ears. The two take their time walking through the village, enjoying the indian summer. Eventually Akino’s nose leads them to food: dango. Despite being a hunting clan, the Hatake genes do not come in hand with an immunity to puppy dog eyes: and so Kakashi ends up sitting at a shop bench, sharing food with his very cute and slightly manipulative dog summon.

Akino is too engrossed in the sweet dumplings to carry a conversation, leaving Kakshi’s mind to wander. He’s found that's often the case now, without the looming threat of war hanging over everyone’s heads. As much as they twist and meander, his thoughts always end up on the same path: _Gai_. Perhaps that’s always been the case, when Kakashi isn’t lost in the quagmire of grief left behind by his precious people. Not that Gai isn’t among them, more so that the depth which these feelings reach for Gai can’t be described the same way. He realised as much when Gai - so stupid and so brave- sacrificed himself. Kakashi’s always had the worst possible timing, why would his big heart stopping revelation be any different. Where Minato, Obito, Rin, and his father left broken bone and blood, Gai leaves behind sunlight and familiar warmth. For all his praise as a prodigy, it took Kakashi an embarrassing amount of time to realise he loves Gai. _And possibly won’t get the chance to say so._

Akino pulls him out of that minefield, paws perched on Kakashi’s knees. His dogs are familiar with how dangerous Kakashi’s own thoughts can get sometimes.

“What are you thinking about, boss?” 

“Nothing,” Kakashi dismisses, eyes betraying him as they glance towards the hospital.

He’s typically late to his meeting with Tsunade. She doesn’t say anything, not that she needs to: her face speaks for itself. They spend the afternoon going over so much bureaucracy; Kakashi swears his brain is overheating. By the time they’re done, the sun outside paints the world in peach and orange tones. 

“I owe you a drink for today.” Tsunade says, and Kakashi suspects it's just an excuse for her to drink. 

“And for taking on this job,” Kakashi adds. 

“Don’t push it, brat.”

Kakashi knows he’s a lightweight. He has enough memory blanks from nights with friends to be acutely aware of the fact. This doesn’t stop him from downing the sake Tsunade keeps pouring into his glass. It doesn’t stop him from staggering towards the hospital. He’s halfway up the tree to Gai’s room when he realises Sakura won’t show him any mercy if he gets caught. He doesn’t need to be sober to be reasonably terrified. 

So he slinks off back to his apartment. He fumbles with his sandals, fine motor skills not quite responding to his commands. His bed feels like a cloud, and yet sleep evades him. All he can think of is Sakumo. How in the months before taking his own life, he spent chunks of his days in a drunken stupor. And suddenly the alcohol running through Kakashi’s veins doesn’t feel like a pleasant buzz anymore. He needs proper sleep, and in a decision he definitely would not have made while sober, he digs through his medicine cabinet: he still has some sleeping pills left over from his ANBU days. He washes one down with water and flops back onto his bed, letting himself zone out until the medicine works its magic. 

\---

He’s being reckless. It’s unlike him. The waves crashing against the shingles of the secluded Kumo beach match Kakashi’s frantic heartbeat. 

The village is teeming with more shinobi than he or Gai have ever seen in one place. Nobody could have predicted this. It’s partly what fuels Kakashi’s decision. He wants to tell Gai what he means to him. Pein’s attack on the village made a lot of things clear to Kakashi, Gai’s importance to him chief among them. And here they are ready to be sent off to war again. 

Kakashi’s not good with words, never has been. The idea of letting someone in that way, under the figurative mask of aloofness he’s created for himself, scares him to the core of his soul. Gai’s always pried away at it, caught glimpses -or maybe more, he’s never been good at giving Gai enough credit - as they’ve grown. 

The words stick in his throat, forcing them only heightens the sensation of dread building up against his ribs. Instead, Kakashi does what he does best: lets his actions speak for themselves. 

Before he has time to think it through and chicken out, he pulls his mask down, catching Gai’s lips with his own. Gai responds with a surprised “ _mh!_ ” before leaning into the kiss. The dread melts away to bliss, and Kakashi reaches a gloved hand to Gai’s hair, adjusting them slightly. When they pull away, Kakashi is breathless. Gai laughs, close enough to Kakashi that he can feel it. 

“You kiss just like you fight,” Gai says, his smile blinding as usual. How is he so unaffected by this, _damn him_. 

“What prompted this?” Gai asks, shifting ever so slightly out of Kakashi’s bubble. _Come back_ , he thinks but doesn’t move. 

“We’re about to go to war again,” Kakashi says, hoping, _praying_ Gai can figure out the rest. 

“And you’ve already died once?” he finishes Kakashi’s sentence for him. 

Kakashi nods, his ears still burning. He can’t help but smile, despite the circumstances, the conversation. Gai’s hand carefully traces his face, taking in what he looks like without the mask. 

“Pointy,” he states, then leans in once more. 

Unlike the previous kiss which was frantic, bordering on desperate, this one is slow, and so gentle Kakashi feels like crying. Gai’s mouth is warm against his own, fire dormant right under his skin. Every point of contact is pleasant static. If he didn’t need to breathe Kakashi wouldn’t pull away. When he does, he puts the mask back into place, his entire face flushed pink. 

“Kakashi,” Gai starts, “my dearest friend-“

“You kiss all your friends like that?”

Gai raises his eyebrows before continuing, “ _My eternal rival_ , I’m thankful for this. But if you’re doing this because you think you won’t have another chance, I’m not going to let that happen.” 

“Gai,”

“I have your back, trust me.” 

Kakashi huffs. What Gai is asking of him is easier said than done. With Gai by his side, he feels safer that much is true, but he would rather die a hundred times over than see Gai hurt for him.

“I know,” Kakashi says, quiet, “and I yours.” 

“You never let your comrades die,” Gai quotes his own words -Obito’s words - back at him, “I can’t make you any promises I’m not sure I can keep, Kakashi. But this isn’t the end of the story for us. It’s still springtime.” 

There he goes with his stubborn optimism. Gai’s confidence and sanguine ideals make him shine like the sun. Kakashi has lived most of his life in the shadows, hiding away. Much like light and darkness, the two can’t exist separately. Kakashi wouldn’t be who he is today if it weren’t for the man sitting on this tiny beach next to him. He would have died on some ANBU mission or another, soaked through with someone else’s blood. He doesn’t know how else to explain it. 

Kakashi stands up and stretches. One of his wrists pops into place happily. 

“Springtime, huh? I remember when you used to have the worst seasonal allergies,” he offers Gai a hand up, “come on let’s go find everyone else.” 

\---

It’s around midday when Kakashi works his way out of the haze of heavy sleep. Every beat of his heart sends fresh dull pain through his temples. He groans and groggily reaches for the water on his bedside table. This will be a long day, he can tell. 

He forces himself to get out of the house, drags his feet to the Hokage tower. Every line of the document he’s reading through seems to mock him, characters dancing around on the page. It takes more energy than he has to make it through the entire scroll. After another scroll’s worth of not retaining information the world seems blurry and disconnected. 

“You look like shit,” is Tsunade’s way of greeting him, before dropping another scroll in front of him. Kakashi hums in acknowledgement. 

“It’s a mission for you, but before I can approve it I need you to go through a psych eval with Ino.” 

“Maa, I’m fine, why does everyone keep telling me that?”

“Then you’ll pass the psych eval without a problem,” Tsunade lays down her trap and Kakashi realises there’s no way out of this. He sighs, admitting defeat. 

He definitely _isn’t_ sulking as he makes his way over to the hospital. 

Unlike the rest of the hospital which smells of antiseptic and rubbing alcohol, Ino’s office smells of jasmine incense. It sets Kakashi even more on edge. 

“Sakura told me to expect you,” Ino’s saccharine smile is almost as evil as his student’s. 

“That little traitor...”

“Have a seat,” Ino says, “Would you like some tea?” 

Kakashi turns down the tea but sits, awkward, eyes scanning around the room. He starts to identify the various plants around the room to busy himself. There’s a small aloe on Ino’s desk which looks like it’s seen better days. The orchids on the windowsill are thriving and the trailing ivy on the bookcase has spread its trellises, happily occupying space. 

“So, Kakashi-sensei, why are you here?” Ino draws his attention back to the matter at hand. 

“Our Hokage wants me to do a psych eval before she sends me on a mission.” 

“M-hm. Why do you think that is?” 

“I don’t know,” Kakashi almost snaps, petulant, “Is the whole appointment going to be like this? Pointless questions?” 

To Ino’s credit, she remains incredibly calm, “You know I can just fail you and carry on with my day, right?” 

“What would that mean?” 

“You’re taken off the active duty roster until I - or one of my colleagues- deem you mentally fit for it again.”— for someone threatening him, Ino’s tone is surprisingly cutsey. She’s one of the best the Intelligence division has to offer, it shouldn’t come as a surprise —“It would also mean you won’t be named Hokage until you pass. I’m sure Tsunade will be delighted.” 

Kakashi honest to god _squirms_ in his seat. Inoichi raised his daughter well. 

“Fine, I’ll cooperate but don’t expect my life story.” 

Ino nods, “What’s changed since you came back?”

 _Back from the War_ , she means, _Not back to life._ Kakashi opens his mouth to speak, to say nothing’s changed. All of his adult life has been like this, feeling the aftershocks of his experiences. No amount of electricity crackling under his skin, no number of perfectly detailed memories can change that. He can turn them into a weapon all he wants, the aftershocks still come, leaving him frozen. The familiar pressure builds under his ribs, and his heart beats faster than usual, each pulse a reminder he’s alive. Words aren’t his strong suit. 

“Some people find it easier if I” Ino raises her hands in a familiar gesture, “guide their thoughts. Would that help?” 

Under any other circumstances the idea of someone else in Kakashi’s mind would have him running for the hills. He takes a deep breath, bracing himself, and nods. 

Ino’s presence is like the calm water of a babbling brook, slowly weaving itself between the stone walls Kakashi has built. She carefully avoids the older ones, deliberately carving a path to the most recent one. When she gets there Kakashi instinctually resists and she doesn’t push it. She waits, patiently letting him become accustomed to the sensation. Eventually, Kakashi gives her the smallest amount of ground. He’s too tense, too _scared_ to show anything more. The memories wash through him. Obito’s scarred face sneering, tainting every memory and ideal Kakashi built himself on, and Naruto cauterising those wounds, stepping up where Kakashi failed. And Gai. Gai’s last smile, brighter than anything has the right to be. Gai pulling him out of his thoughts, out of the guilt threatening to swallow him whole, like he always has. 

Kakashi shuts down the connection before Ino has the chance to probe further, “That’s enough.” 

Ino looks at him perplexed, “Are you having nightmares?” 

“That’s not new.” 

“Sakura has them too,” Ino says, “She doesn’t want medicine. I think she’s too stubborn to admit it's a problem.” 

“What does that have to do with anything?” 

“Whenever she wakes up from them, I’m there to help ground her. It’s not much, but I like to think it helps,” Ino grabs a form and fills it in, “I suggest you find someone who helps ground you.” 

Kakashi nods. _But what if that person never wakes up?_ he wonders. Instead he asks:

“What about the psych eval?” 

“Frankly, I think you’re a mess. From what I can tell it extends far beyond the events of this last year, but every person in this village has some form of problem or other. If I fail everyone, the daimyo will have me assassinated for putting his entire shinobi force out of commission. You’ve managed to survive so far, one more mission won’t kill you.”

“Thank you, Ino.”

“Sure, sure, just don’t tell Sakura I let you off easy.” 

“My lips are sealed,” Kakashi reassures, with his typical half moon smile. 

The mission is routine enough. The assassination of a fairly high profile rich man in Bean Jam country. It shouldn’t take more than four days. Before leaving the next morning, Kakashi sneaks by the hospital once more. The steady rise and fall of Gai’s chest remains unchanged, and with a heavy heart Kakashi makes his way to the village gates and beyond. 

There’s a storm brewing, the air carrying the scent of distant petrichor. As Kakashi jumps through the trees he fights the urge to turn and look back. 

Nothing about the mission is unusual, other than his sense of unrest. As he washes the blood off his hand and gloves by the light of the moon, Kakashi realises he feels homesick. The realisation is enough to knock the air out of his lungs for a couple of seconds. 

He’s caught in a storm on the way back, drenched through to the bone. The village gates appear through the sea of grey and green, and weight lifts off Kakashi’s shoulders until- as the report is delivered, as he changes into something dry, as he makes himself some tea and wraps himself in a duvet- he feels weightless and safe. Sleep arrives before he knows it. 

The hospital pulls at Kakashi like a magnet, no matter what he does to ignore it. He spends time with his students, his dogs, and Tenzō to distract from it. Despite his best attempts to be busy, his traitorous heart tugs towards the miserable building. The sun is painting Konoha in peachy tones when Kakashi relents. 

Gai looks exactly as he left him: he’s asleep, his leg in a cast. His face - usually an expressive open book- is peaceful in a way that makes the room seem more sombre than it is. Disappointment washes over Kakashi in waves, so he grabs a chair, sits next to Gai’s cot and starts to read. After a while he starts reading out loud, the twists and turns of the romance novel filling up the room and displacing the silence and mechanical whirring. 

When the moon makes itself known and the night is filled with the calls of the local owls and bats, Kakashi’s eyes start to grow heavy. He lets himself take Gai’s hand as he slowly drifts off. His heart calls “ _Come back to me, Gai,_ ” wishing the next day will be different. 

The morning greets him to a blanket draped over his shoulders and an empty cot. It takes a few seconds for his sleep addled brain to register what’s wrong. The instant it clicks Kakashi jumps to his feet, blanket and chair knocked to the floor in the process. 

Despite a lifetime of shinobi training, Kakashi’s mind jumps to the worst conclusion as he tries to keep the panic at bay. In the middle of action he might be able to do something, but in a hospital he’s powerless. The patter of his footsteps echoes through the hallway as he rushes to find answers. A shock of familiar pink hair turns the corner. 

“Sakura!“

“Kakashi sensei?”

“Gai? Where’s-“

“We had to move him,” 

“Is he..?” 

“He’s awake, we’re just checking a couple of things.” 

“Can I see him?” 

Sakura sighs, before yielding, “I guess there’s no harm in that.” 

The cadence of Gai’s voice carries beyond his new room. Hearing it builds the familiar pressure in Kakashi’s chest, ballooning until breathing is a challenge. Kakashi freezes by the doorway at the sight of him. 

“ _Gai_ ,”

Sakura gestures to the other medical nin in the room - an apprentice, “Come on let’s give them some space.” 

“What about the tests?” the apprentice asks. 

“We can do them later.” 

And suddenly the room is empty other than Kakashi and Gai. And Kakashi can’t leave the doorway, as if he’s stuck there. 

“Gai,” the name catches in his throat. 

Gai looks at him, bright eyes awake, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, and the dam breaks. 

“Kakashi,” 

The space between them seems infinite as Kakashi makes his way to Gai’s chair and his eyes start to well up. When he reaches Gai, he kneels down on the floor so they can see each other clearly. Now he is truly crying. 

“My beloved rival,” Gai slowly lifts his hand, still awkward from weeks of misuse, to wipe some of the tears away, “did you miss me?” 

Kakashi takes Gai’s hand in his, carefully leaning into it, “More than you know.” 

“I missed you more,” 

“Is that a challenge?” Kakashi asks, voice thick from tears, and when Gai laughs it becomes all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> Bean Jam country is canon and I hate it.


End file.
